My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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