Four minutes until I can fart!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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