I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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