i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
