dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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