I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
