david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
