I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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