his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
