Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
