This is not my ceiling
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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