She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
