I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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