I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
