I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I love you. Go after that dick
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize