I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
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