Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
