Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
