you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
