How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize