Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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