This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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