You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
