Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Let's get the cat blown out
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
