You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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