Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Sober January is a disaster.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just want to make out with him forever
Randomize
