I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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