someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i came on her dog
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize