Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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