My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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