Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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