Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
