i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
