i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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