My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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