I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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