turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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