There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
