wrigley field is MILF paradise
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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