Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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