I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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