So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i think my mom watched the whole time
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
