Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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