I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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