At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
