I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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