ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
