yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
