puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
