Hey man sorry I got all grabby
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
