Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
