How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
it's like iHOP with fire
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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