You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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