all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
