Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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