I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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