You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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